Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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