Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
