Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize