He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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