Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
