when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
