Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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