While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
