I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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