dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize