If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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