I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
