Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
