When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
