Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
