Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
