Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I looked at my own cervix.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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