Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
