I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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