On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
