When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
