This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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