I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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