Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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