During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
