I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
