Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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