its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
