how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
