Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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