My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
