I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
