if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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