At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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