Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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