Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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