i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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