I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
