Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
