one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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