My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
