The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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