Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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