He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
