My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
