just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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