She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize