She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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