her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
