Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
