if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize