It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
