my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize