and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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