Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
