the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
