I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
