she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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