the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
