cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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