Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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