I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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