I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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