Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
